For the First Time in Forever

i’d very much like to know how many of you began reading this for the Frozen reference of my title.

Down to business!

This would be the first time in two (three?) weeks that my computer has even been plugged in. I’ve been accessing the internet during class (tee hee), or otherwise through my tablet or X-Box. And by the way, being on Pinterest during class is not a crime when all of my work is already done.

Anyways, I just attempted to write this fairly long meaningful rant about suffering vs beauty, and then my laptop decided to be dumb and go back to my reader when I didn’t ask it to then didn’t save my rant in drafts and long story short, I’m very angry right now.

I am a junior this year, and pretty sick of all my classes. Mostly Spanish. I hate Spanish. Teachers have openly said that this year will be the toughest year, and now I finally believe them. Not only is it the year with the most required standarized tests, but the required classes themselves are much harder than last year and my teenage, heavily medicated brain is getting pretty worn out.

I’m still getting  very good grades. I think my lowest grade is a 93, but upon investigating I believe there is a typo in that teacher’s gradebook. The only thing lowering my grade right now is the test we took thursday, that I got 71 or possibly 74 out of 75 on, but in the gradebook it’s out of 85. I will ask about that on Monday. other than that mistake, my lowest grade is a 98, and that is more than sufficient for me. And don’t get me wrong, B’s would be fine. I’m not worried about my grades at all, and the individual classes aren’t too difficult, it’s just the workload collectively is a little insane. not to mention Thursday the 2nd, when I had a test in every single one of my academic classes and it was awful. And then I had two more tests the next day, which was also pretty awful. I think that’s really what’s been getting to me: stressing over tests. This year I will have to take the PSAT along with the SAT and possibly the ACT if I’m not happy enough with the first score. I don’t know why I’m so worried, but it really has been messing with my focus.

I actually have been finding it quite difficult to focus in class. I don’t know if it’s just that I have too much on my mind or if the material is just boring or what, but this whole quarter I have not been able to keep my focus.

However, my parents have provided more than enough motivation for me to keep my grades up, as well as the school. If all my grades are above 95 and I have 3 or less absences I can get out of semester finals. And, if I keep my grades up all year my dad will get me something nice as a “job well done” present.

Last year I got really nice speakers.

This year i’m not worried in the slightest about my basic grades, but there’s a lot of other pressures, for example, the novel I never finished, the PSAT/SAT/ACT, I decided to keep my job through the winter (which is nice but also makes my week feel a lot longer since I can only work weekends), my medical everything that’s getting out of hand, and my friends that are spinning out of control. I feel very lonely honestly. it’s kind of sad, the only person that texts me on a regular basis is my boyfriend, who is one of maybe five people I feel I can be open with. Everyone else I may be friendly with, but I do by no means consider them to be friends.

The worst case is a girl who used to be my absolute, no questions asked, best friend that has sunk so deep into so many awful things that I don’t want to nor feel any obligation to be friends with her anymore. Eight years wasted on parties, weed, shrooms, and alcohol (and god knows what else) while I sit in my room alone wondering what happened to the great person she used to be, before the depression that came out of nowhere and the five suicidal attempts and an awful, abusive relationship that she is still in.

The funny thing is, I’m probably better friends with her boyfriend than I am with her right now, and I’ve spent the last year absolutely despising him for what he’d done to her, though apparently he’s much better now.

Anyway, I just needed to get all that out! Will probably be more later, but for now, good night.

To those who believe I’m a pathetic twat, fuck you.

This blog was not intended for the benefit of other people. This was my best outlet to vent in a healthy way. It is in NO WAY meant to be read as “Oh, I have things so hard,” or “My problems are so difficult to deal with.” 

I DEAL WITH MY PROBLEMS. SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO COMPLAIN. NOBODY SAID YOU HAVE TO READ IT WHEN I DO.

So if you want to tell me I’m not allowed to feel sorry for myself once in a while because somebody else has it harder, then FUCK YOU. You wouldn’t say that to someone with depression, or anxiety, or any other medical issue, would you? You wouldn’t say it to someone who was just told they have to lose something emotionally valuable to live comfortably. And you SHOULDN’T say it to people who you don’t know. You don’t know me, my problems, OR MY SOCIAL LIFE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

If you want to tell me I’m pathetic for complaining a little about working my summer away when I’m only 16, think of it this way:

35% of teen girls in America become pregnant between the ages of 16 and 18

80% of adult smokers started smoking before the age of 18

Of the of teens that admitted to consistently drinking, 40% drink when upset, 31% drink when alone, 25% drink when they’re bored or to “feel high”.

Teens between the ages of 16-19 are 3.5x more likely to be raped, especially when they have been drinking or using drugs, or at parties.

 

Think of the things I COULD BE DOING, and be glad that I prefer a quiet night of video games or Netflix. And yes, I complain about work, I’M A TEENAGER. This is my last chance for freedom, my last chance to have an actual summer, and yes, I’m a bit angry about that. But you don’t have to call me out on one little instance of whining about it.

And, instead of going to parties and killing my liver, brain, and well, everything else, I work. I participate in the community. I have friends, and a social life, but guess what? They all have jobs too. You have no right to tell me I don’t know how to have a social life, or that it’s not OK to knit pick it every once in a while. Everyone has hard days. Just let me vent, and move on. Yes, people have lives outside of work. I do too. it’s not hard, it’s just like a life outside of school. The hours that people are available are just much less predictable, ESPECIALLY for teens. So yes, I was annoyed that everyone was busy and no one had time for anyone else. But you don’t have to berate me for missing my friends, you sick fuck.

And if your life is bad enough that the only way you feel power is anonymously attacking a 16 year old girl on the internet, then I pity YOU and YOUR sad, pathetic life.

You, sir, are an asshole.

Nothing says “summer!” like more work.

If I had known when I was younger that growing up meant sacrificing my summer to work, I would not have been so hasty to mature. Sure, it’s what’s expected and all that, but I really hate the idea of giving up my last couple of summers as a teen to work.

Anyways! 

As the last few weeks of school sloooowly counts down, and the job hunt comes to a halt (I landed a restaurant–the exact kind of place i didn’t want to work), I find myself more stressed and therefore irritable than usual. And I’ll be damned if mom hasn’t noticed.

Of course she’s worried. She thinks I’ll go back to how I was in middle school. I won’t. I’m just stressed, and fed up with society and school and teachers and work and bullshit. I swear the only things keeping me sane right now are Pinterest and my ceramics class. Seeing as my boyfriend has been busy for the last for weeks with soccer and still has a couple weeks more, I’ve had more time left to my own devices. Mostly, I just ended up watching a lot of anime on Netflix.

The reason I’m coming off so mean, I’m sure, is because of how sick to death I am of people badgering me to do shit for them, as if I don’t have enough work to do on my own.

Sometimes, I really hate people. The end of the school year is one of those times.

It doesn’t help that there’s been this whole dramatic thing with the girl that is supposed to be my best friend, but that’s a different story.

I feel like I had all these plans, and they’ll never get done because I’m too busy doing what other people ask of me. Chores, schoolwork, restaurant work, the stress of being in this town, and that bitch that took one look at my hair and said I wasn’t mature.

Well fuck you too. If that’s how you talk to your employees, I don’t want to work there anyways.

I am so done with socializing this year.

Three Cheers for Five Heartbreaks

Nothing defines being a teenager as well as the rebellious terms on which we attempt to achieve freedoms we can’t have. For me, I’ve had very little parental rebellion. My parents are both fantastic people, I have no reason to deliberately go against them. Societally, however, I’ve done quite a bit to rebel. Truthfully I just don’t like our society very much.

When it comes to sociality in a school environment, everything is based on a very specific hierarchy. Surplus staff at the bottom, then nerds (not geeks, just those really rude nerds who are so matter of fact all the time you want to strangle them), special education, teachers,antisocials, minimal socials, principals, social butterflies, athletes, and druggies at the top. May sound strange, but at  y school, at least, that’s how it is. Personally the idea of getting into drugs and alcohol seems pointless; popularity doesn’t mean enough to me to give up the college plans I’ve worked so hard for.

Within every grade there is a smaller hierarchy that follows the same basic rules, then when you get to the school as a whole and treat grades like factions, you’ll see that freshmen only have power if they’re sluts and druggies, and seniors have authority ov Continue reading

Flame: Chapter 3

The strange boys that crashed into her hideout were the most obnoxious creatures that she had ever seen. She had always disliked young men, because of their rowdy, repulsive manner and their crude sense of decency. These two vagabonds fit the bill perfectly: messy, sweaty, and ignorantly loud. Fortunately for Kyra, they had not yet noticed that their new hiding place had another member, and this allowed her to slip back into the darkness unnoticed, deciding to wait until they left to take any sort of action.

Once again, time was not in her favour, and after several minutes of waiting, Kyra began to get just the slightest bit ticked off. The invidious hyenas had been laughing their heads off for no reason and admiring the rather long case in front of them for far too long, and it was slowly driving her insane. It was time to get out.

Crouched down on all fours, she cautiously crawled towards the exit, eying the boys after every miniscule movement. Still as oblivious as when they’d arrived, the boys never once looked her direction, and as she neared the opening of the cave, she began to move faster. This sudden speed-up caused a chain of chaos to ensue.

A sharp rock extruding from the dirt scraped along her already tender shins, and she let out a short yelp of pain. The noise was just enough to attract the boys’ attention, and the slimmer of the two approached her, muttering something about hoping she was okay. In that moment of panic, her foot flew through the air and hit his stomach with a dull thud. “Auron!” the other boy yelled and looked straight at her, “why you…” Thwack.

Kyra pulled her fist back to her, standing ready for the blows that were sure to come, but instead the two boys simply rolled around in the dirt, groaning in pain. She let herself relax, certain they would not attack her when they knew she could fight back.

“What was that for?!” the second whined, coddling his bruised cheek in a fetal position. Kyra stood grimly, leaving the question unanswered. He gritted his teeth, and turned to help his friend, apparently named Auron, whose breath had just barely returned.

“Solomon,” he whispered quietly, “did we just get beaten by a girl?”

Solomon flashed a grin and rubbed his cheek again, “Yeah, I’d say we did.”

The two sat up, whispering amongst themselves and trying Kyra’s patience once more. She began to wonder if they would notice if she left, but something about these two morons intrigued her. Against her better judgment, she stayed, pacing back and forth on the little space left of the cave that was not intended to house three people.

“Hey, you! What are you doing here?” The sudden volume of Solomon’s voice startled her. She turned to face them.

“Well I’m so sorry for ruining your little party,” she muttered sarcastically, “but I was here first! So I think the question is what are you doing here?”

“We were seeking shelter from the rain!” Auron piped in.

“Oh yes, because you two grimy boys look completely horrified at the thought of a little rain. I bet the concept of a bath every once in a while was just lost on the two of you” Kyra said, as she saw the water droplets still clinging to their hair and clothes.

“Alright everyone calm down,” Solomon interjected. “Look lady, my friend and I have had a rough morning, could you just leave us alone?”

Shocked at his treatment of her, Kyra began to mouth a royal order, but realized that this wasn’t Luminae, and she wasn’t a princess–not anymore. She closed her mouth and continued pacing, until the strange case caught her eye again. “You’re hiding.”

“What did you say? We’re what?” Auron growled.

“Hiding. That’s why you’re in this cave, in the middle of nowhere. You’re hiding, probably because you stole whatever’s in that case.”

“Well how would you know it’s stolen?”

“Why are you defending yourself if it’s not?”

“Okay, okay” Solomon shrugged, “Let’s pretend for five minutes that perhaps the sword is stolen, and perhaps my friend and I are hiding from Luminean Guard, what could you do about that?” Kyra opened her mouth once again to present her royal roots, but shut it just as quickly.

“Exactly.” Auron stretched out his legs and slouched back, making himself comfortable.

“I could still report you.”

“We’re far from the Guard now,” he said cockily, “and nobody is gonna catch us.”

 

Flame: Chapter 2

Nausea overwhelmed her as the vertigo set in. The wind whipped through Kyra’s hair, and pushed her across the stone walls, making her descent seem much more precarious than she had originally anticipated. Underneath her, the remainder of the rope twisted and thrashed. Her decision to escape the confines of the castle became less and less appealing as she went, because although the ground had gotten closer, time seemed to drag on indefinitely.

Her hands burned from the rough twine as golden strands cut through her palms; Kyra closed her eyes to avoid any more of the dizzying sensation, feeling her way down. One hand after another, boots firmly gripping the rope to take some of the strain off of her arms. She whispered to herself as she went, attempting to calm herself, counting every inch down.

Without sight to help her judge the distance from the ground, Kyra’s inevitable fall came all too surprisingly when the rope ended a few meters short of the destination. Her impact with the ground left her gasping for air. The world was swimming, and after brushing her messy hair from her brow, her hand came away bloody. The sweet and salty stench became suddenly apparent in the air, hanging thickly about her. She stood up slowly and weakly, ignoring the black, thick mud covering her legs. Kyra glanced up at the castle and sighed; without any means of returning, her only option was to move forward.

Her energy came in spurts, the obliviousness to her surroundings pushing her farther into the woods, into the darkness. She hardly noticed a change as the trees grew thick and the light thin. It wasn’t until she collapsed from fatigue and sat upon a wicked lattice of roots spreading across the ground that she understood the danger she’d walked into.

The Black Forest, or so it had been called for many decades now, was aptly named. There was no light there. Shadows upon shadows danced around every corner, like savages in the night. Even the plants were dark, and the very souls of the animals seemed tainted–not to mention the rumors that depicted trolls hiding there, as well as witches, tree fairies and a myriad of other nasty creatures. Children throughout all of Luminae were taught to never roam the forests lest they be gobbled up.

Kyra didn’t want to think of her lost childhood though. Her mind was set on survival, and if that meant braving the Black Forest, then so be it. She slowed her breathing and pushed herself back onto her feet, concentrating on her small, quiet footsteps. Every snapped branch and crushed leaf made her jump in fear, leaving her so unsettled that it became impossible to control her appendages with any amount of confidence. Her hands were crusted with layers of blood, wiped from her forehead and welled up from the rope burns.

Many hours passed, creeping by with a silent ominousness that she couldn’t shake. Her limbs felt like anvils, weighing her down into the soil. She was sure her ragged breathing and clumsy movements would be the end of her. She became so paranoid that the light beginning to seep through the trees and the new shadows cast on the dark green flora only personified her fears. She tripped over her feet in a futile effort to flee the blackness, stumbling through the edge of the woods.

A rustling sound in the ferns next to her brought Kyra back to reality, and she backed herself up against the stoic trunk of a wide tree, facing the noise with a small flame in her hand. A strange chittering erupted from the foliage at the appearance of the flame, and a small yellow fox with three striped tails dashed out of it’s cover and darted for higher ground, performing a four meter vertical jump as it leaped to the bottom branch of an adjacent tree. Its tail tips disappeared into the branches, and for the first time since leaving the castle, Kyra began to cry.

The tears flowed freely and mingled with the dirt and blood on Kyra’s face. She couldn’t sustain the trek any longer, but couldn’t remain in the open. Out of the corner of her eye she noticed a cave in the womb of one of the great trees marking the edge of the forest and dove inside, taking refuge in the damp stone walls. She laid on her back attempting to catch her breath, her head spinning from the lack of air. The exhaustion overwhelming her injured body, she longed to feel the relieving embrace of sleep – but sleep would not seize her as readily, and the cave floor was unforgiving. The hard, uneven surface twisted her back in uncomfortable ways and the protruding rocks jabbed at her sore muscles. She sighed in defeat, and with the last of her energy went to scavenge for dry sticks to build a fire to warm the stone walls of her refuge. She built them into a tiny pyramid, and with a flick of her finger the pile was alight. With new warmth to seep into her skin, she felt more comfortable with the idea of rest. The flames danced on her face as her eyes closed for the night.

It had not been long before a barely audible noise in the trees awoke her from her uneasy slumber. Kyra covered the smoldering coals of her fire with dirt and lunged to the back of the cave.

Only seconds had passed when two dirty, rambunctious boys clamored into her safe haven, gurgling with laughter. The cave walls shuddered with the echoes of their howling cackles, and as they collapsed on the dirt floor in a heap of filthy clothes and scrawny limbs, Kyra shrunk into the shadows. It seemed that they were oblivious to her presence.

Flame: Chapter 1

Kyra pulled at the frilly satin that clung to her small frame in discomfort, forcing a smile as her father delivered another speech to appease the masses. Moren smiled as he spoke, with a joyful tone that she never heard within the walls of the castle. A few yards behind her, a line of ten fire users shot colored frames toward the stars that exploded in flowers of flame to signify the end of the speech. She only barely heard the roar of the crowd as her father pulled her back into the palace.

Moren’s face looked weathered and sullen in the candlelight, but his grip on Kyra’s arm was firm. He tugged her down hall after hall, until he reached her bedroom and shut her inside. She scarcely breathed until the last echoes of his footsteps faded into the stone walls. Kyra sighed and collapsed onto her bed, wondering why he’d shut her in the dismal room for so much of her life. Her home in the heart of Luminae had become a prison.

A quiet knock on the door and the click of keys caught her attention.

“Excuse me, miss, it’s time to get ready for bed.” The maid remained in the corner of the room until Kyra rose and sat on the stool in front of an ornate mirror that covered a large portion of the wall. Gwyneth began pulling out the pins in her hair, letting the dark curls hang loosely over the young royal’s shoulder. Kyra stared into the mirror, scrutinizing the dress that the maid had begun to unlace.

“Gwyneth,” she muttered, “why does father insist I wear gaudy messes of fabric like this?”

“He just wanted you to look respectable, dearie. It’s best you don’t fight about it,” Gwyneth replied as she pulled a brush through Kyra’s hair.

“But these clothes are for children! I’m nineteen; I shouldn’t dress like an adolescent anymore!” Kyra’s cheeks flushed every shade of pink in her anger, her slender hands clenching into fists in her lap.

“Well, dearie, maybe he just hasn’t noticed what a fine young woman you’ve become,” Gwyneth laughed quietly. “You know how hectic his life is, with the war. He calls in more troops every week, I swear! And it’s time you gave him credit for everything he’s accomplished here.”

Kyra quieted, and the two remained silent whilst the aging maid finished her duty and bid her good night. Despite the soft comfort of her bed and the blackness of the sky, she couldn’t sleep. Something about the war didn’t sit well with her. Blood was spilt every day, and for what purpose? And how many lives had been lost to it, thousands? Tens of thousands? She shuddered to think that all this death came from something as simple as a skirmish between the Byrne’s and the Leiyren’s. To her, the history of Luminae and Garrahand seemed stained with each other’s blood.

“I just want to run away from all this,” she whispered to the ceiling. “I could run and run, and leave to bloodshed behind me.”

But deep in her heart, she knew she couldn’t run from her responsibilities as a Byrne. She was expected to claim the throne and lead her country to victory, just as her ancestors had done before her. She would soon be held accountable for what happened in Luminae, but she knew she wasn’t yet ready to run a country.

She sighed heavily, and propped herself up against the surplus of pillows on her bed. Carelessly, she flicked her fingers and created small, flitting flames to distract her from her thoughts. The light danced on the walls, mesmerizing and hypnotic, and soon she dozed off for the night.

A dim ray of sunshine across her eyes slowly awoke her. She could hear the distant steps of soldiers pacing on the gravel below, the soft murmurs of servants through the walls. The castle might have appeared to be bustling with life, but she knew that reality was much grimmer.

“It’s time for your lessons, miss,” Gwyneth voiced behind her. Kyra jumped in surprise at the greeting that pulled her from her own dismal thoughts.

“I didn’t hear you come in!” Kyra exclaimed breathlessly, still dazed.

“I’m’ terribly sorry miss, but it’s time for your lessons, now,” Gwyneth replied, wide-eyed and alarmed by Kyra’s reaction. “Are you ready?”

Kyra sighed, and stood contemplating for a moment. “I suppose that even if I’m not ready for them quite yet, I’ll have to partake in them anyway.” Gwyneth looked down meekly, and nodded. “Alright then, let’s finish today’s work.”

She glided toward the window again, sitting at the small settee and staring out on the courtyard, absentmindedly answering Gwyneth’s questions.

“What year was Luminae founded?”

“Luminae was founded in 476, by my ancestors.”

“Good, good. Now, what year was Garrahand founded?”

Kyra glanced up. “Why is that important?”

“Well, your father insists that you know at least the basic history of all the surrounding countries of Luminae, even if we’re at war. When the war ends, you need to be respectful of them, and be able to communicate. Knowing their history will help.”

“What makes you think this war will ever end, Gwyneth?”

The old servant sighed, and closed the book she was pulling lessons from. “I think that’s enough school work for today, don’t you? It’s boring anyway, how about we go for a walk in the gardens instead?” A hopeful and somehow sad smile pulled at her lips as she remembered days past, and Kyra’s childhood before her duties forced her to become the same cold and distant shell her father was. But Kyra didn’t have the privilege to dwell on her past, and turned to face the window again, worrying about her broken kingdom once more.

The people were angry with the entirety of the Byrne family, and rightfully so. So many people had left and never come home, families had been torn apart, children had been orphaned, and all over some petty disagreement between Moren and Alyxandar. Every day new troops were sent out, and most of them died in the crossfire and confusion of the battlefield. Surely, the blood of millions would saturate the ground by the end of this.

“I can’t take this anymore,” she whispered to herself, “I’m leaving this wretched place.”