I Might’ve

I might’ve loved you, perhaps,

when the fireweed was blooming in fall

and the trees became a swirling mess

of fire.

I might’ve loved you then,

when the snow fell in winters gone by,

or in hot, dusty summers.

I might’ve loved you, before

our words splattered the walls

like blood in the crime scene of

our romance, and

amidst the apologies that littered the floor

lay two broken hearts,

still beating,

still lonely,

still wanting to believe in the fairytale,

not the awful reality.

I might’ve loved you better,

had I known could be better,



On the Road Again

Love is a fickle, contrary thing, I’ve come to find. Every now and again, I still find myself missing the idiot, even though he is long gone. However, I’ve come to accept that i can miss him, and still not want him back. He was a huge part of my life (three years is a long time when you’re not even 20 yet), so I can’t just forget, or ignore, or gloss over the fact that he was a focal point for me. I can miss him, I can feel a little nostalgic for those “good times,” and I can still move on.

These past ten months have been an utter roller coaster. I was suddenly left with no choice but to find myself, because I had no idea who I was without him. In a matter of weeks, I’d pushed myself to become more athletic, to go running and swimming daily, to eat healthier (I was actually a vegetarian for a few months, and am trying to work back to that), I made myself more organized, I got back into ballet (a long-time passion of mine), I started piecing together my future, and of course, I made some pretty awful mistakes along the way.

To say that I am better would be pushing it. I still see myself struggling with self-image, unhealthy eating habits, anxiety and depression. Some days are much easier to get through that others. What i can say is that I’ve come a long way from the overweight mess of self-harm that I was a year ago. Scars are fading, I’ve lost 30 pounds and counting, I’ve become much more open and sociable. I may not be cured, but I’m miles better than where I started.

And that’s what I find most important. Too often, kids in my generation and even younger now can’t take the pressures of society and can’t see that things get better. I want everyone to know that no matter how many times you get kicked down, the will to stand back up and move on will keep you going through whatever awful things come your way. Life is not easy. Life isn’t pretty, or nice. Bad things happen, and they can really wear on a person. However, not everything is so unbearable. There are beautiful, amazing things to be had, too, and just being able to tough it out until things are brighter can make a world of difference.

Trembling Fingers

I know that a breakup is not the end of the world. I know I am young, and have plenty of time to find someone else, someone better suited for me. But damn, it still hurts. Three years is a long time, especially for a couple of teenagers. I really believed we had a connection, that he really loved me. Why else would he have stayed so long?

I was so, incredibly wrong.

And I know that it’s my fault, that’s the worst part. He ran off to be with some other girl because I was too much to handle. Funny thing is, the girl he’s so desperate to have is worse than I ever was. She’s a steamroller when it comes to guys. So on one hand, I want to be immature and hope that she completely wrecks him as revenge for how he treated me over the last two months. On the other, though…. I still love him. And I just want himto be happy. And if that means being with someone else, then so be it. Just because he gave up on me, it doesn’t mean I have to give up on him. Despite the complete ass he’s turned into, I still want to believe that the sweet, loving, amazing guy he used to be is still in there behind that mask hormones and hopelessness.

It is the last semester of my junior year. So far, I have lost my dog, my grandfather, many of the people I used to call friends, the one guy that I so naively convinced would never leave. The stress of loss and the pressure of today’s school system, as well as the job I somehow managed to keep through the school year despite explicitly saying i wanted this time off has left me physically ill. My migraines got worse again–worse than they’ve been in years. I’m exhausted all the time no matter how much sleep i get. No matter how well I eat I still feel sick all the time. I’m so tired of feeling so down all the time. I just want to feel like a human being, for once, instead of nothing more than a zombie.

Some good things have happened though. I get to go back to Paris for a couple weeks this summer, then maybe to Oregon with my friend. i took the SAT for the first time and scored 1922. I will take it again, because if I can manage 2100 I could get better scholarships. I did get a puppy shortly after my dog died. She’s named Sophie, for Howl’s Moving Castle. After I decided I was finally fed up with my weight (I have a pretty bad knee injury that won’t go away, and was very overweight anyway, which meant it’s not healing well), I switched to a mostly vegetarian/dairy free diet.I’ve lost nearly 20 pounds so far. I’m hoping to be in good enough shape by June that the trip to Paris won’t be as difficult to get through as it was last time, i want to really enjoy it.

Alone Again

Three years, you held me close.

I used to listen to your heart beating

with a sense of wonder.

You kept me safe, warm, and I thought

I was loved.


Then conversations slipped into silence

and I love you’s

became bitter goodbyes.

There is a perpetual sadness in forgetting what you taste like.

For the First Time in Forever

i’d very much like to know how many of you began reading this for the Frozen reference of my title.

Down to business!

This would be the first time in two (three?) weeks that my computer has even been plugged in. I’ve been accessing the internet during class (tee hee), or otherwise through my tablet or X-Box. And by the way, being on Pinterest during class is not a crime when all of my work is already done.

Anyways, I just attempted to write this fairly long meaningful rant about suffering vs beauty, and then my laptop decided to be dumb and go back to my reader when I didn’t ask it to then didn’t save my rant in drafts and long story short, I’m very angry right now.

I am a junior this year, and pretty sick of all my classes. Mostly Spanish. I hate Spanish. Teachers have openly said that this year will be the toughest year, and now I finally believe them. Not only is it the year with the most required standarized tests, but the required classes themselves are much harder than last year and my teenage, heavily medicated brain is getting pretty worn out.

I’m still getting  very good grades. I think my lowest grade is a 93, but upon investigating I believe there is a typo in that teacher’s gradebook. The only thing lowering my grade right now is the test we took thursday, that I got 71 or possibly 74 out of 75 on, but in the gradebook it’s out of 85. I will ask about that on Monday. other than that mistake, my lowest grade is a 98, and that is more than sufficient for me. And don’t get me wrong, B’s would be fine. I’m not worried about my grades at all, and the individual classes aren’t too difficult, it’s just the workload collectively is a little insane. not to mention Thursday the 2nd, when I had a test in every single one of my academic classes and it was awful. And then I had two more tests the next day, which was also pretty awful. I think that’s really what’s been getting to me: stressing over tests. This year I will have to take the PSAT along with the SAT and possibly the ACT if I’m not happy enough with the first score. I don’t know why I’m so worried, but it really has been messing with my focus.

I actually have been finding it quite difficult to focus in class. I don’t know if it’s just that I have too much on my mind or if the material is just boring or what, but this whole quarter I have not been able to keep my focus.

However, my parents have provided more than enough motivation for me to keep my grades up, as well as the school. If all my grades are above 95 and I have 3 or less absences I can get out of semester finals. And, if I keep my grades up all year my dad will get me something nice as a “job well done” present.

Last year I got really nice speakers.

This year i’m not worried in the slightest about my basic grades, but there’s a lot of other pressures, for example, the novel I never finished, the PSAT/SAT/ACT, I decided to keep my job through the winter (which is nice but also makes my week feel a lot longer since I can only work weekends), my medical everything that’s getting out of hand, and my friends that are spinning out of control. I feel very lonely honestly. it’s kind of sad, the only person that texts me on a regular basis is my boyfriend, who is one of maybe five people I feel I can be open with. Everyone else I may be friendly with, but I do by no means consider them to be friends.

The worst case is a girl who used to be my absolute, no questions asked, best friend that has sunk so deep into so many awful things that I don’t want to nor feel any obligation to be friends with her anymore. Eight years wasted on parties, weed, shrooms, and alcohol (and god knows what else) while I sit in my room alone wondering what happened to the great person she used to be, before the depression that came out of nowhere and the five suicidal attempts and an awful, abusive relationship that she is still in.

The funny thing is, I’m probably better friends with her boyfriend than I am with her right now, and I’ve spent the last year absolutely despising him for what he’d done to her, though apparently he’s much better now.

Anyway, I just needed to get all that out! Will probably be more later, but for now, good night.

Nothing says “summer!” like more work.

If I had known when I was younger that growing up meant sacrificing my summer to work, I would not have been so hasty to mature. Sure, it’s what’s expected and all that, but I really hate the idea of giving up my last couple of summers as a teen to work.


As the last few weeks of school sloooowly counts down, and the job hunt comes to a halt (I landed a restaurant–the exact kind of place i didn’t want to work), I find myself more stressed and therefore irritable than usual. And I’ll be damned if mom hasn’t noticed.

Of course she’s worried. She thinks I’ll go back to how I was in middle school. I won’t. I’m just stressed, and fed up with society and school and teachers and work and bullshit. I swear the only things keeping me sane right now are Pinterest and my ceramics class. Seeing as my boyfriend has been busy for the last for weeks with soccer and still has a couple weeks more, I’ve had more time left to my own devices. Mostly, I just ended up watching a lot of anime on Netflix.

The reason I’m coming off so mean, I’m sure, is because of how sick to death I am of people badgering me to do shit for them, as if I don’t have enough work to do on my own.

Sometimes, I really hate people. The end of the school year is one of those times.

It doesn’t help that there’s been this whole dramatic thing with the girl that is supposed to be my best friend, but that’s a different story.

I feel like I had all these plans, and they’ll never get done because I’m too busy doing what other people ask of me. Chores, schoolwork, restaurant work, the stress of being in this town, and that bitch that took one look at my hair and said I wasn’t mature.

Well fuck you too. If that’s how you talk to your employees, I don’t want to work there anyways.

I am so done with socializing this year.

Three Cheers for Five Heartbreaks

Nothing defines being a teenager as well as the rebellious terms on which we attempt to achieve freedoms we can’t have. For me, I’ve had very little parental rebellion. My parents are both fantastic people, I have no reason to deliberately go against them. Societally, however, I’ve done quite a bit to rebel. Truthfully I just don’t like our society very much.

When it comes to sociality in a school environment, everything is based on a very specific hierarchy. Surplus staff at the bottom, then nerds (not geeks, just those really rude nerds who are so matter of fact all the time you want to strangle them), special education, teachers,antisocials, minimal socials, principals, social butterflies, athletes, and druggies at the top. May sound strange, but at  y school, at least, that’s how it is. Personally the idea of getting into drugs and alcohol seems pointless; popularity doesn’t mean enough to me to give up the college plans I’ve worked so hard for.

Within every grade there is a smaller hierarchy that follows the same basic rules, then when you get to the school as a whole and treat grades like factions, you’ll see that freshmen only have power if they’re sluts and druggies, and seniors have authority ov Continue reading