Love is a fickle, contrary thing, I’ve come to find. Every now and again, I still find myself missing the idiot, even though he is long gone. However, I’ve come to accept that i can miss him, and still not want him back. He was a huge part of my life (three years is a long time when you’re not even 20 yet), so I can’t just forget, or ignore, or gloss over the fact that he was a focal point for me. I can miss him, I can feel a little nostalgic for those “good times,” and I can still move on.
These past ten months have been an utter roller coaster. I was suddenly left with no choice but to find myself, because I had no idea who I was without him. In a matter of weeks, I’d pushed myself to become more athletic, to go running and swimming daily, to eat healthier (I was actually a vegetarian for a few months, and am trying to work back to that), I made myself more organized, I got back into ballet (a long-time passion of mine), I started piecing together my future, and of course, I made some pretty awful mistakes along the way.
To say that I am better would be pushing it. I still see myself struggling with self-image, unhealthy eating habits, anxiety and depression. Some days are much easier to get through that others. What i can say is that I’ve come a long way from the overweight mess of self-harm that I was a year ago. Scars are fading, I’ve lost 30 pounds and counting, I’ve become much more open and sociable. I may not be cured, but I’m miles better than where I started.
And that’s what I find most important. Too often, kids in my generation and even younger now can’t take the pressures of society and can’t see that things get better. I want everyone to know that no matter how many times you get kicked down, the will to stand back up and move on will keep you going through whatever awful things come your way. Life is not easy. Life isn’t pretty, or nice. Bad things happen, and they can really wear on a person. However, not everything is so unbearable. There are beautiful, amazing things to be had, too, and just being able to tough it out until things are brighter can make a world of difference.