Sooo, I’ve had a really bad couple of years (granted, a lot of the bad was my fault, but not all of it), and I had become the person that EVERYONE comes up to asking: “Are you goth?” or “Are you emo?” and the such. Apparently I’m emo, because black is my favorite color. But what’s wrong with black? Black goes with everything.
Anyways, I had lost basically all of my confidence and the such, and had even begun cutting after a few too many suicidal thoughts, when I realized something extremely important: This town doesn’t own me. That revelation gave me back a tiny bit of the things I had lost (though I do still hate a lot of things about myself). However, it’s very hard to outrun the people trying to bring you down in such a small town.
The population here is about 5,400. I think the last census said 5,460. I hate it here! 95% of the people in this dump are pot-heads or alcoholics or druggies of other sorts. Almost every single kid I know is a pot-head, and I know quite a few high schoolers that have become alcoholics. I personally don’t see the point in drugs of any sort. And I don’t care how many people will try to convince me pot is okay, because I just see it as a gateway to thinking other drugs are okay. And they’re not! This town is the worst possible environment to grow up in, because there’s someone around every corner trying to drop you to their level. Also! For such a small town, we have a LOT of freaking hobos! I used to walk around town a lot, and there’s certain areas here that are flat out unsafe to be in, plus 3 0r 4 hobo camps. Camps!
(This was my road in March)
Anyway. As I said, I get a lot of comments. But now, I’ve realized that if they’re gonna hate me for who they think I am, they don’t deserve to know who I really am. Who they think I am? An emo freak with way too much time on her hands. Who I really am? An explosion of personality that loves to experiment with colors and become friends with new people and host Bioshock parties with even just one other person. (By the way, Bioshock is pretty much the best video game series EVER. I’m soooo excited for Infinite to come out!) i am morbid and dark, but so spazzy and adorable that no one cares. I probably have ADD, and OCD, but hey, same story for most of my friends! My happiness doesn’t depend on what the town thinks of me, and that dark little monster in the pit of my stomach that feeds me negativity? Well. That’s my problem to deal with, not my friends’ or anyone else’s. I may be clinically depressed, but WHATEVER. I’m not going to some shrink, that’ll probably make my issues worse! My boyfriend calls it self-bullying, cause I’m really mean to myself all the time. It’s not just some random spurt of angst, i get really quiet and go around thinking “I’m not good enough” or “my friends would be happier if I weren’t around” or “I’m a disappointment to my family”. That’s MY problem. Not my friends’. I can mask it with a million different personalities, but the thing is, it’ll still be there. So I’m trying to make my peace with it, since it’s become a part of me. It’s not easy to just stop thinking like that, so I just go on with life keeping that little bit to myself and letting the better parts of my personality shine through
(This was my 14th birthday, which was celebrated with red velvet cake, my favorite, and Bioshock 2)
Th problem with that, is since I couldn’t make sense of myself, I became the person people wanted me to be instead. Then things got confusing. Now, I’m this giant mix of a whole bunch of things I can’t sort out and I’ve got no idea who I really am. This makes me more depressed -_-” However! I have finally figured out that that the few friends who have been through it all with me really do want to help, they want me to be better, they want to know who I really am under all the random junk protecting me from the rest of the world. And so, I reach the climax of my student life. I am now in the process of figuring out exactly who it is that I am. Which is a lot more work than I thought it would be. But I am already better than I was, which is more than I could’ve ever hoped for.