Ranting about Depression

I won’t lie and say I had it bad. Have it bad. Cause I have friends that have it much, much worse. I never attempted suicide, just thought about it. I never seriously committed to anorexia, just wanted to and tried to. Most of how I felt was very internal, and I did it to myself. depression is a very internal thing. You tell yourself what wrong with you just once, and it gnaws at you forever, and really, the only thing stopping you from getting past it is you. You started it. You feed it. You have to just realize it’s not worth it and end it. I’m still not past that. I tell myself I’m fat, ugly, worthless, talent-less, etc. all the time. I’m such a disappointment, why would anyone love me, why would anyone waste their time on me, why do I still have friends, do they stick around cause they feel bad for me? The list goes on. The sad part, for me anyways, is that I know none  of that’s true. Well most of it. I really am fat and ugly and talent-less. But I know that my friends love me, I know that my boyfriend loves me. And the truth is, if I could just get past all that, I have a great life. 

I think that’s why people with bad depression that leads to anorexia or self harm feel so hopeless. They don’t have that secondary voice telling them things are actually pretty alright. Granted there are some people that this doesn’t apply to, like people who are abused and things like that. And to be fair I don’t know anyone’s back story, but I know some, and most times it’s just ridiculous. “Oh I went through a bad break up. She left cause she thought I cheated on her.” “I’m just lonely.” “No one likes me.” Things like that. people take their actions much too far for stupid reasons. 

Another thing is, it seems like depend on other people for their happiness. (I’m such a hypocrite, I do too.) Obviously waiting on people isn’t working, so just find a different outlet. Learn  a new instrument, immerse yourself in music, try new things. Or do what I do, play the same video game enough times to know what triggers what and just kill things for a few hours. Seriously, it helps a lot. People really piss me off and it’s not like I can really do anything to them so I get home and just play Bioshock and cuss at my TV for a few hours. And you know what? I feel better at the end.

But if depression has taught me anything, it’s that you need to find things you can do independently. I started trying foreign candy, and playing new video games, and finding new music, and drawing a lot. Maybe doing something else with their time would help these people.

I’m not trying to be mean, I’m not. It’s just. No one deserves to feel like that, and it’s so simple to fix. Time consuming and difficult, but simple. And I hope there’s other people who realize that and really try to turn their lives around. I’m here for anyone that needs someone to listen or vent to. I’ll listen, I won’t judge, I’ll try my best to help.



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