Three Cheers for Five Heartbreaks

Nothing defines being a teenager as well as the rebellious terms on which we attempt to achieve freedoms we can’t have. For me, I’ve had very little parental rebellion. My parents are both fantastic people, I have no reason to deliberately go against them. Societally, however, I’ve done quite a bit to rebel. Truthfully I just don’t like our society very much.

When it comes to sociality in a school environment, everything is based on a very specific hierarchy. Surplus staff at the bottom, then nerds (not geeks, just those really rude nerds who are so matter of fact all the time you want to strangle them), special education, teachers,antisocials, minimal socials, principals, social butterflies, athletes, and druggies at the top. May sound strange, but at  y school, at least, that’s how it is. Personally the idea of getting into drugs and alcohol seems pointless; popularity doesn’t mean enough to me to give up the college plans I’ve worked so hard for.

Within every grade there is a smaller hierarchy that follows the same basic rules, then when you get to the school as a whole and treat grades like factions, you’ll see that freshmen only have power if they’re sluts and druggies, and seniors have authority ov
er everything, regardless of their positions on promiscuity or drug consumption. Also there is the small subset of couples. Every grade has some particular couple that’s been together for a looong time, and is treated strangely by their peers for that reason.
“Wow you two have been together for so long!”
“Oh my god you two are so cute!”
“God you two are so lucky!”
“Oh my god I can’t BELIEVE you two are stills together!”

Stop.
Just stop.
Its annoying, and I hate it.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over a year and ten months, which to my knowledge is the longest standing relationship in my grade. Honestly I don’t socialize enough with the majority of the slum in my school to even know who’s dating who. And it doesn’t matter, because couples change weekly. This week maybe these two are dating, but next week they’ll be dating new people. Its just too much work to keep up with to care.

Unfortunately for me, all those comments about my relationship being just so cute makes me feel horrible, because I know how many things have gone wrong between us in a way no one else will. Like right now, where I said I needed some time to myself because I’ve lost so much of me due to my investment in the relationship. He doesn’t know it, but the reason I was so upset with him when the soccer season started is because for so long we had schedules, and so many days that we could spend time together. But now that soccer has disrupted the schedule I feel like I’m left with nothing. So, for the past four days between 5 and 6:30 I have been tearing myself apart because I realized that I don’t know who I am without him.

And it scares me.

So I put regulations on when I would even waste my time with him, whether texting or actually seeing him, and decided to spend the next month or two rebuilding my personality. And maybe losing some weight, because that’s getting out of control.

But does anyone else know?
No. All they see is that we are such a perfect couple. But we’re not. We fight all the time, we have our own problems, they’re just not anyone else’s business.

I hate that I feel like I lost him, but I hate that I lost myself more. So here’s to two months of cleaning up and starting over.

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