For the First Time in Forever

i’d very much like to know how many of you began reading this for the Frozen reference of my title.

Down to business!

This would be the first time in two (three?) weeks that my computer has even been plugged in. I’ve been accessing the internet during class (tee hee), or otherwise through my tablet or X-Box. And by the way, being on Pinterest during class is not a crime when all of my work is already done.

Anyways, I just attempted to write this fairly long meaningful rant about suffering vs beauty, and then my laptop decided to be dumb and go back to my reader when I didn’t ask it to then didn’t save my rant in drafts and long story short, I’m very angry right now.

I am a junior this year, and pretty sick of all my classes. Mostly Spanish. I hate Spanish. Teachers have openly said that this year will be the toughest year, and now I finally believe them. Not only is it the year with the most required standarized tests, but the required classes themselves are much harder than last year and my teenage, heavily medicated brain is getting pretty worn out.

I’m still getting  very good grades. I think my lowest grade is a 93, but upon investigating I believe there is a typo in that teacher’s gradebook. The only thing lowering my grade right now is the test we took thursday, that I got 71 or possibly 74 out of 75 on, but in the gradebook it’s out of 85. I will ask about that on Monday. other than that mistake, my lowest grade is a 98, and that is more than sufficient for me. And don’t get me wrong, B’s would be fine. I’m not worried about my grades at all, and the individual classes aren’t too difficult, it’s just the workload collectively is a little insane. not to mention Thursday the 2nd, when I had a test in every single one of my academic classes and it was awful. And then I had two more tests the next day, which was also pretty awful. I think that’s really what’s been getting to me: stressing over tests. This year I will have to take the PSAT along with the SAT and possibly the ACT if I’m not happy enough with the first score. I don’t know why I’m so worried, but it really has been messing with my focus.

I actually have been finding it quite difficult to focus in class. I don’t know if it’s just that I have too much on my mind or if the material is just boring or what, but this whole quarter I have not been able to keep my focus.

However, my parents have provided more than enough motivation for me to keep my grades up, as well as the school. If all my grades are above 95 and I have 3 or less absences I can get out of semester finals. And, if I keep my grades up all year my dad will get me something nice as a “job well done” present.

Last year I got really nice speakers.

This year i’m not worried in the slightest about my basic grades, but there’s a lot of other pressures, for example, the novel I never finished, the PSAT/SAT/ACT, I decided to keep my job through the winter (which is nice but also makes my week feel a lot longer since I can only work weekends), my medical everything that’s getting out of hand, and my friends that are spinning out of control. I feel very lonely honestly. it’s kind of sad, the only person that texts me on a regular basis is my boyfriend, who is one of maybe five people I feel I can be open with. Everyone else I may be friendly with, but I do by no means consider them to be friends.

The worst case is a girl who used to be my absolute, no questions asked, best friend that has sunk so deep into so many awful things that I don’t want to nor feel any obligation to be friends with her anymore. Eight years wasted on parties, weed, shrooms, and alcohol (and god knows what else) while I sit in my room alone wondering what happened to the great person she used to be, before the depression that came out of nowhere and the five suicidal attempts and an awful, abusive relationship that she is still in.

The funny thing is, I’m probably better friends with her boyfriend than I am with her right now, and I’ve spent the last year absolutely despising him for what he’d done to her, though apparently he’s much better now.

Anyway, I just needed to get all that out! Will probably be more later, but for now, good night.


5 thoughts on “For the First Time in Forever

  1. Matthew says:

    You’re saying weed contributed to your friends downward spiral? It sounds more like alcohol is to blame more than anything. I’ve dealt with both kinds of people, and I must say, I would much rather have to deal with a laid-back stoner, then the drunk that alcohol turns even the nicest people into assholes.

  2. Matthew says:

    Well, it sounds like you clearly valued her friendship in the past, why not just talk to her again and see if you can resolve any differences between you. If you give a person a little time you might find they’ve changed enough to get to know again.

    • I have tried to talk to her, but all she is now is arrogant and mean. She values her “friends” that she parties with more than she values me. I’m sick of giving her my time when she’s clearly not interested anymore. We are just too different now.

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