Trembling Fingers

I know that a breakup is not the end of the world. I know I am young, and have plenty of time to find someone else, someone better suited for me. But damn, it still hurts. Three years is a long time, especially for a couple of teenagers. I really believed we had a connection, that he really loved me. Why else would he have stayed so long?

I was so, incredibly wrong.

And I know that it’s my fault, that’s the worst part. He ran off to be with some other girl because I was too much to handle. Funny thing is, the girl he’s so desperate to have is worse than I ever was. She’s a steamroller when it comes to guys. So on one hand, I want to be immature and hope that she completely wrecks him as revenge for how he treated me over the last two months. On the other, though…. I still love him. And I just want himto be happy. And if that means being with someone else, then so be it. Just because he gave up on me, it doesn’t mean I have to give up on him. Despite the complete ass he’s turned into, I still want to believe that the sweet, loving, amazing guy he used to be is still in there behind that mask hormones and hopelessness.

It is the last semester of my junior year. So far, I have lost my dog, my grandfather, many of the people I used to call friends, the one guy that I so naively convinced would never leave. The stress of loss and the pressure of today’s school system, as well as the job I somehow managed to keep through the school year despite explicitly saying i wanted this time off has left me physically ill. My migraines got worse again–worse than they’ve been in years. I’m exhausted all the time no matter how much sleep i get. No matter how well I eat I still feel sick all the time. I’m so tired of feeling so down all the time. I just want to feel like a human being, for once, instead of nothing more than a zombie.

Some good things have happened though. I get to go back to Paris for a couple weeks this summer, then maybe to Oregon with my friend. i took the SAT for the first time and scored 1922. I will take it again, because if I can manage 2100 I could get better scholarships. I did get a puppy shortly after my dog died. She’s named Sophie, for Howl’s Moving Castle. After I decided I was finally fed up with my weight (I have a pretty bad knee injury that won’t go away, and was very overweight anyway, which meant it’s not healing well), I switched to a mostly vegetarian/dairy free diet.I’ve lost nearly 20 pounds so far. I’m hoping to be in good enough shape by June that the trip to Paris won’t be as difficult to get through as it was last time, i want to really enjoy it.


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