On the Road Again

Love is a fickle, contrary thing, I’ve come to find. Every now and again, I still find myself missing the idiot, even though he is long gone. However, I’ve come to accept that i can miss him, and still not want him back. He was a huge part of my life (three years is a long time when you’re not even 20 yet), so I can’t just forget, or ignore, or gloss over the fact that he was a focal point for me. I can miss him, I can feel a little nostalgic for those “good times,” and I can still move on.

These past ten months have been an utter roller coaster. I was suddenly left with no choice but to find myself, because I had no idea who I was without him. In a matter of weeks, I’d pushed myself to become more athletic, to go running and swimming daily, to eat healthier (I was actually a vegetarian for a few months, and am trying to work back to that), I made myself more organized, I got back into ballet (a long-time passion of mine), I started piecing together my future, and of course, I made some pretty awful mistakes along the way.

To say that I am better would be pushing it. I still see myself struggling with self-image, unhealthy eating habits, anxiety and depression. Some days are much easier to get through that others. What i can say is that I’ve come a long way from the overweight mess of self-harm that I was a year ago. Scars are fading, I’ve lost 30 pounds and counting, I’ve become much more open and sociable. I may not be cured, but I’m miles better than where I started.

And that’s what I find most important. Too often, kids in my generation and even younger now can’t take the pressures of society and can’t see that things get better. I want everyone to know that no matter how many times you get kicked down, the will to stand back up and move on will keep you going through whatever awful things come your way. Life is not easy. Life isn’t pretty, or nice. Bad things happen, and they can really wear on a person. However, not everything is so unbearable. There are beautiful, amazing things to be had, too, and just being able to tough it out until things are brighter can make a world of difference.

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Ranting about Depression

I won’t lie and say I had it bad. Have it bad. Cause I have friends that have it much, much worse. I never attempted suicide, just thought about it. I never seriously committed to anorexia, just wanted to and tried to. Most of how I felt was very internal, and I did it to myself. depression is a very internal thing. You tell yourself what wrong with you just once, and it gnaws at you forever, and really, the only thing stopping you from getting past it is you. You started it. You feed it. You have to just realize it’s not worth it and end it. I’m still not past that. I tell myself I’m fat, ugly, worthless, talent-less, etc. all the time. I’m such a disappointment, why would anyone love me, why would anyone waste their time on me, why do I still have friends, do they stick around cause they feel bad for me? The list goes on. The sad part, for me anyways, is that I know none  of that’s true. Well most of it. I really am fat and ugly and talent-less. But I know that my friends love me, I know that my boyfriend loves me. And the truth is, if I could just get past all that, I have a great life. 

I think that’s why people with bad depression that leads to anorexia or self harm feel so hopeless. They don’t have that secondary voice telling them things are actually pretty alright. Granted there are some people that this doesn’t apply to, like people who are abused and things like that. And to be fair I don’t know anyone’s back story, but I know some, and most times it’s just ridiculous. “Oh I went through a bad break up. She left cause she thought I cheated on her.” “I’m just lonely.” “No one likes me.” Things like that. people take their actions much too far for stupid reasons. 

Another thing is, it seems like depend on other people for their happiness. (I’m such a hypocrite, I do too.) Obviously waiting on people isn’t working, so just find a different outlet. Learn  a new instrument, immerse yourself in music, try new things. Or do what I do, play the same video game enough times to know what triggers what and just kill things for a few hours. Seriously, it helps a lot. People really piss me off and it’s not like I can really do anything to them so I get home and just play Bioshock and cuss at my TV for a few hours. And you know what? I feel better at the end.

But if depression has taught me anything, it’s that you need to find things you can do independently. I started trying foreign candy, and playing new video games, and finding new music, and drawing a lot. Maybe doing something else with their time would help these people.

I’m not trying to be mean, I’m not. It’s just. No one deserves to feel like that, and it’s so simple to fix. Time consuming and difficult, but simple. And I hope there’s other people who realize that and really try to turn their lives around. I’m here for anyone that needs someone to listen or vent to. I’ll listen, I won’t judge, I’ll try my best to help.

 

Ranting About Drugs

The town I live in have maybe seven thousand people.

Of those, maybe two thousand don’t excessively drink or get high.

Of those two thousand, 95% are under ten, or over seventy.

The five percent that’s left includes my boyfriend, his friends, and myself. I have other friends, but most of them smoke pot.

A lot. 

I don’t really agree with it, but I can’t force them to stop. So I tell them that as long as they don’t try to make me smoke or drink, I’ll stay friends with them.

(my cat’s staring at me, looking pretty spiteful, and it’s a little stalker-ish)

Really, i just don’t even like the idea of drugs.

Let’s start with pot.

I view pot as the “gateway drug”., seeing as it’s the gateway to thinking other drugs are okay. And they’re not! You could start with pot and three years later be a meth addict, getting arrested for a meth lab explosion in your garage. It happens! Quite often here, even. Just last week mom was driving me and my boyfriend to drop him off at his friend’s ’cause it was getting late and we drove by three cop cars outside the post office. At the time we thought there’d been a car crash. Later there were rumors about a body being found in the car that’d been pulled over. Later still, we all learned it was a meth lab. They were making meth in soda bottles. Soda bottles! I mean, what the hell? I bet that before all this meth business they were pot heads. I bet they’re still pot heads, actually.

I will admit that some people legitimately need it. It’s a lot cheaper than morphine but has the same basic effect. Therefore, it makes a pretty good pain killer if you need it. But the people who smoke it to be cool? I just don’t get it. They like to tell me it’s healthy because it’s a plant. Oh yeah? Tobacco’s a plant. Poison ivy’s a plant. Mushrooms are plants. Plus, it’s still smoke. You still inhale smoke, which is still bad for your lungs. And, I read somewhere that smoking pot temporarily decreases your IQ by eight percent or something like that, which means constant use really does make you stupid. And all these pot heads wonder why they have so much trouble with school. WELL I FUCKING WONDER. I have no respect for these people.

Aside from that, it’s just flat out bad for you. Why people choose to ruin their bodies like this, I will never understand. 

And the cool bit? I’d rather be respected than “cool”. And I don’t need to smoke anything to be respected, I just need to be true to myself–wear what I want to wear, stand out, be different, choose to do things my way instead of theirs.

Anyways! It’s two in the morning and I just wanted to rant about something.

And happy birthday to me, I guess! 😛 blehh. 

Addictions

Initially, people will hear the word addiction and automatically assume you’re talking about drugs or sex or alcohol or other socially tabooed things in life. However, as humans become more reliant on technology, sudden addiction becomes much more simplistic. Suddenly, there’s addictions to things like video games, texting, blogging, and surfing the internet to get away from things that actually need to get done. 

Truthfully, there’s plenty of addictions out there. Food, technology, fitness, getting skinny, getting pretty, being wanted. Sure, some of that is really just an obsession. But it’s the habits within the obsession that make it an addiction. 

Personally? I am obsessed with Bioshock. I play that game more than anything else. Out of I think 85 achievements (between both games) you can get without the add-ons or Xbox live? I have 8 left. Just. Eight. The game isn’t even scary anymore! I can narrate it. I start the game, turn down the sound, stick my headphones in and listen to my own music and I’m STILL never surprised by splicers (we have surround sound, so when you use it it’s easy to pinpoint where someone is speaking from or where something is happening).

Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, there’s plenty of things I could be called addicted to. Especially in my generation, we are vulnerable to what the world has to offer. It’s easy to get caught up in something.

Anyway! I was only thinking of this because I have WordPress, instagram, and now Tumblr, and began wondering about technological addictions. So goodnight 🙂 I know I haven’t been on much, with school and all, I’ve been soooo out of it. It’s not that it’s hard, I just really hate 90% of my teachers and it’s just so boring. School sucks!

Bullies

**I apologize now for any language you don’t approve of, but please don’t comment about the language. Usually I’d be more careful, but I really don’t think there’s much substitution here.**

Okay, that’s pretty broad, let’s narrow it down to those assholes with no life that make fun of everyone else because they need to feel better about themselves. Not narrow enough? The face to face, threaten you as they walk by in the halls type. The I’m going to tell you everything I hate about your style because you stand out type.

It’s hard not to stand out when you’ve got orange and blue hair, or (in my best friends case) bright purple hair. It’s hard not to stand out when you wear clothes that aren’t Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch or Aeropostal. But I am sick to death of people making a point to stop me in the hall and tell me they don’t like what I’m wearing. So I look different. That a crime? At least I have the guts to stand out. Honestly, I think they’re just jealous that I can pull it off. So what if I look emo, so what if I look hipster. The clothes I wear don’t define me. Sadly, the clothes they wear define them. The idiot jocks and s**ts that would do anything to be noticed, they’r all too easy to spot.

Any average day, I wear a band shirt, my Asking Alexandria or skeleton hoodie, four to six bracelets with various bands on them (or for the TWLOHA movement), skinny jeans of nearly any color of the rainbow, and converse with two studded belts and two to three necklaces. Why? Because I can. Because I like it. Because it’s what I’m comfortable in. What right do people have to tell me my clothes suck, or that they’re stupid? The least they could do is come up with something containing bigger words. The words scary, stupid, and emo are getting quite tiresome. And hey, I’m not the one going around wearing shirts that purposely let my boobs hang out, or mini skirts, or booty shorts. Seriously girls? Have some class.

So ANYWAY, I’ve decided that these people are bullying me in an effort to scare me or suppress me into blending in with the crowd. But why would I want to? In my mind, it’s THEIR clothes that suck. Excuse me, the words that actually cross my mind are: slutty, tasteless, bland, and monotonous. Is that REALLY the appealing style these days? I’d rather be called emo than blend in with that. 

The problem is that teen girls are given clothes to look like whores. That’s what’s made for them, that’s what was made popular, and you know what? It’s disturbing. What parent wants their kid strutting around in mini dresses that reveal way too much? Cause if I was a parent, i would burn my kids clothes that were like that and tell her to shop for something else. Though honestly, i’m smart enough to just teach my kid that dressing like that is only for attention from the wrong people, and that you can still get attention and be sexy (I am in high school, I think I could pull off sexy) without revealing yourself. That way, you get attention from better people. People notice you and your beautiful personality, not that you’d go as far as they ask you too with the lights off.

And that’s another thing. Girls use clothes like this as a sign that they’ll f*** anyone. you could pick the whores out of a crowd easy. Also, these girls may dress badly at school but at grind-fests like homecoming, it is dramatically worse. These girls use dances like that to dress even worse than normal. it’s a pathetic cry for attention. Speaking of homecoming, it’s the last week of September here, and all my friends want me to go and i won’t. Why? Because grinding is nasty. Who thought to start that trend? Obviously some sick bastard -.- So my friends? They can complain all they want. i’ll go to the game but I’m not going to the dance.

Anyway! Sorry bout all that, I just had to rant about all the trends that disgust me. Oh and parents that view this! Promise me you will raise your child to know that things like these aren’t okay. There’s better ways to be popular, if that’s really what they want. But I’ve found it’s better to let the stereotypical popular kids stay the stereotypical popular kids, and find yourself some genuine friends. 

Night!

Ads and Selling Out to Them

I really don’t care about people actually checking out this site. I just got bored one day and said to myself ; “Well! Right then! let’s make a blog!”. People can follow and comment all they like,  but honestly it’s not really about being a popular blogger. It’s just me, being me, and putting my views out there.  And!! I am SO SICK of seeing commercials EVERYWHERE. Buy this, buy that, who cares? It’s all useless junk!! I don’t want ads to be the reason people find this blog. I want them to find it because they notice! Because they see something interesting out of the corner of their eyes and look harder to find it. Because they are curious about what I have to say. I am NOT selling out! I am NOT putting ads on my blog! I will stay pure! I may never achieve more than a dozen followers, or fifty likes, bu that isn’t what matters!! What matters is that I had the courage to speak my mind, even if no one is listening.

Sure, I do in fact realize that tagging something, or referencing it is technically selling it, because when you see something you recognize it and you’re thinking about it. Like the product placement in  any movie you’ve ever seen. Just the background noise, just the voice over the intercom, just the soda he’s holding or the laptop she’s using or the phone the non-important, non-characters are all using. It makes it real, yeah? Makes it seem all the more possible because we recognize the equipment or the food or the store. The difference with me, is that the silver lining of my blog isn’t an advertisement for something you should know you don’t need, it’s inspiration. It’s common ground, and curiosity. It the occasional meaningful post in the midst of silly obsessions that I am sharing with the world because I want to know that my voice is heard.

Gays

I would like someone to explain to me exactly why being gay is wrong. It’s not! I am personally straight, but I’ve got plenty of friends who are gay or bisexual and I see nothing wrong with it. And suddenly I have a friend who hates that he’s gay? Obviously, this must be based on the morals he was raised with, and I’m not about to go lecturing his parents. But I hate that people think it’s not okay!

You know what else pisses me off? That “gay” is slang for lame. That’s just disrespectful! I hear it everywhere! “Oh, that’s gay,” or ‘You’re gay (for not doing this or skipping out or whatever),”. It’s rude. End of story. It’s things like that that make gays ashamed of being gay or afraid to “come out”. Everyone has the right to feel safe and accepted where they live. And NO ONE should be excluded for something so stupid! These are just people! We are all just people! And we should all be proud of who we are.

Never let anyone tell you there’s something wrong with you. You are who you are for a reason, after all. Me? I get called “emo” and “goth” on a regular basis, I’ve even been called a vampire, but I don’t care cause I know I’m not. If they want to think that, fine. If they’re that quick to judge than they don’t deserve the time to get to know me. And it’s the same for gays. They’re just people, they act like people. Their sexuality doesn’t define them. Plus, haven’t most people experimented with it?

I’m sick of hearing my friends be shot down by the idiots in this town. I stand up for them because I care, and cause I want them to know that they’re not all alone, like I felt I was forever (though for different reasons).

If someone’s trying to bring you down, it only means that you are above them.