I Might’ve

I might’ve loved you, perhaps,

when the fireweed was blooming in fall

and the trees became a swirling mess

of fire.

I might’ve loved you then,

when the snow fell in winters gone by,

or in hot, dusty summers.

I might’ve loved you, before

our words splattered the walls

like blood in the crime scene of

our romance, and

amidst the apologies that littered the floor

lay two broken hearts,

still beating,

still lonely,

still wanting to believe in the fairytale,

not the awful reality.

I might’ve loved you better,

had I known could be better,

myself.

5/18/12 – 7/3/13

Well then! The last year and a bit of my life has been wasted.

Cheers to summer breakups!

I wish I’d have known that that ^^ would be our last kiss. I never thought for one second, before he left for a month, that that would be the last kiss I ever got from him, and i’m not sure I can wrap my head around that yet.

I hate this feeling, like I’m suddenly so alone. I don’t know what to do with my time anymore. I’ll probably do what I do anyway, just hole up in my room and accomplish nothing ever. I get that the chance of something in high school working out is next to nothing, and making it as long as we did, well that’s amazing. But me, being a dreamer, I just wanted it to last. He was the best thing that ever happened to me, he helped me through so much, half the time without even realizing he was.He was so sweet to me, and these last few months I’ve been horrible to him. It hadn’t been a healthy relationship in a long time.

But I miss him.

Silly me, though, thinking that I (with all my commitment issues) could make something last.

And this won’t be taken seriously because I’m only fifteen, but I loved him. I saw a future with him. I saw a life, where previously I just saw obligations. I saw so much…. And now it’s just. Blank. Now i’m back to square one: obligations and expectations.

It’s stupid to think “true love” exists, ins’t it? Wrong. it’s stupid to think that “true love” will work, despite rules and regulations and expectations.

Our relationship would’ve been spectacular if we were just a little older, if we had just a few less rules, a few less expectations.

So again, cheers to heartbreak and loneliness and pessimism.

Happy Fourth, Marley. I love you. I miss you.

 

I’m sorry.