On the Road Again

Love is a fickle, contrary thing, I’ve come to find. Every now and again, I still find myself missing the idiot, even though he is long gone. However, I’ve come to accept that i can miss him, and still not want him back. He was a huge part of my life (three years is a long time when you’re not even 20 yet), so I can’t just forget, or ignore, or gloss over the fact that he was a focal point for me. I can miss him, I can feel a little nostalgic for those “good times,” and I can still move on.

These past ten months have been an utter roller coaster. I was suddenly left with no choice but to find myself, because I had no idea who I was without him. In a matter of weeks, I’d pushed myself to become more athletic, to go running and swimming daily, to eat healthier (I was actually a vegetarian for a few months, and am trying to work back to that), I made myself more organized, I got back into ballet (a long-time passion of mine), I started piecing together my future, and of course, I made some pretty awful mistakes along the way.

To say that I am better would be pushing it. I still see myself struggling with self-image, unhealthy eating habits, anxiety and depression. Some days are much easier to get through that others. What i can say is that I’ve come a long way from the overweight mess of self-harm that I was a year ago. Scars are fading, I’ve lost 30 pounds and counting, I’ve become much more open and sociable. I may not be cured, but I’m miles better than where I started.

And that’s what I find most important. Too often, kids in my generation and even younger now can’t take the pressures of society and can’t see that things get better. I want everyone to know that no matter how many times you get kicked down, the will to stand back up and move on will keep you going through whatever awful things come your way. Life is not easy. Life isn’t pretty, or nice. Bad things happen, and they can really wear on a person. However, not everything is so unbearable. There are beautiful, amazing things to be had, too, and just being able to tough it out until things are brighter can make a world of difference.

Original Song — “Human”

please ignore when my voice cracks in the second verse.

Anyways!
I wrote the original over a year ago, aimed towards one particular person. I found the lyrics recently and decided that they could be applied to everyone. So this is about a person’s battle against society’s expectations. I think that society can be hypocritical in too many ways, and sometimes cruel to individuals. The problem is that the individuals are painted in a bad light as a result. Society says they’re fat, or stupid, or ugly, or worthless, but when the person it’s screaming at is driven off the edge, society claims that the person was beautiful and friendly and smart and will be missed. I think the message that you’re only beautiful when you’re dead needs to end.

Ranting about Depression

I won’t lie and say I had it bad. Have it bad. Cause I have friends that have it much, much worse. I never attempted suicide, just thought about it. I never seriously committed to anorexia, just wanted to and tried to. Most of how I felt was very internal, and I did it to myself. depression is a very internal thing. You tell yourself what wrong with you just once, and it gnaws at you forever, and really, the only thing stopping you from getting past it is you. You started it. You feed it. You have to just realize it’s not worth it and end it. I’m still not past that. I tell myself I’m fat, ugly, worthless, talent-less, etc. all the time. I’m such a disappointment, why would anyone love me, why would anyone waste their time on me, why do I still have friends, do they stick around cause they feel bad for me? The list goes on. The sad part, for me anyways, is that I know none  of that’s true. Well most of it. I really am fat and ugly and talent-less. But I know that my friends love me, I know that my boyfriend loves me. And the truth is, if I could just get past all that, I have a great life. 

I think that’s why people with bad depression that leads to anorexia or self harm feel so hopeless. They don’t have that secondary voice telling them things are actually pretty alright. Granted there are some people that this doesn’t apply to, like people who are abused and things like that. And to be fair I don’t know anyone’s back story, but I know some, and most times it’s just ridiculous. “Oh I went through a bad break up. She left cause she thought I cheated on her.” “I’m just lonely.” “No one likes me.” Things like that. people take their actions much too far for stupid reasons. 

Another thing is, it seems like depend on other people for their happiness. (I’m such a hypocrite, I do too.) Obviously waiting on people isn’t working, so just find a different outlet. Learn  a new instrument, immerse yourself in music, try new things. Or do what I do, play the same video game enough times to know what triggers what and just kill things for a few hours. Seriously, it helps a lot. People really piss me off and it’s not like I can really do anything to them so I get home and just play Bioshock and cuss at my TV for a few hours. And you know what? I feel better at the end.

But if depression has taught me anything, it’s that you need to find things you can do independently. I started trying foreign candy, and playing new video games, and finding new music, and drawing a lot. Maybe doing something else with their time would help these people.

I’m not trying to be mean, I’m not. It’s just. No one deserves to feel like that, and it’s so simple to fix. Time consuming and difficult, but simple. And I hope there’s other people who realize that and really try to turn their lives around. I’m here for anyone that needs someone to listen or vent to. I’ll listen, I won’t judge, I’ll try my best to help.

 

Hello, My Name Is

Sooo, I’ve had a really bad couple of years (granted, a lot of the bad was my fault, but not all of it), and I had become the person that EVERYONE comes up to asking: “Are you goth?” or “Are you emo?” and the such. Apparently I’m emo, because black is my favorite color. But what’s wrong with black? Black goes with everything.  Image

Anyways, I had lost basically all of my confidence and the such, and had even begun cutting after a few too many suicidal thoughts, when I realized something extremely important: This town doesn’t own me. That revelation gave me back a tiny bit of the things I had lost (though I do still hate a lot of things about myself). However, it’s very hard to outrun the people trying to bring you down in such a small town.

The population here is about 5,400. I think the last census said 5,460. I hate it here! 95% of the people in this dump are pot-heads or alcoholics or druggies of other sorts. Almost every single kid I know is a pot-head, and I know quite a few high schoolers that have become alcoholics. I personally don’t see the point in drugs of any sort. And I don’t care how many people will try to convince me pot is okay, because I just see it as a gateway to thinking other drugs are okay. And they’re not! This town is the worst possible environment to grow up in, because there’s someone around every corner trying to drop you to their level. Also! For such a small town, we have a LOT of freaking hobos! I used to walk around town a lot, and there’s certain areas here that are flat out unsafe to be in, plus 3 0r 4 hobo camps. Camps!Image

(This was my road in March)

Anyway. As I said, I get a lot of comments. But now, I’ve realized that if they’re gonna hate me for who they think I am, they don’t deserve to know who I really am. Who they think I am? An emo freak with way too much time on her hands. Who I really am? An explosion of personality that loves to experiment with colors and become friends with new people and host Bioshock parties with even just one other person. (By the way, Bioshock is pretty much the best video game series EVER. I’m soooo excited for Infinite to come out!) i am morbid and dark, but so spazzy and adorable that no one cares. I probably have ADD, and OCD, but hey, same story for most of my friends! My happiness doesn’t depend on what the town thinks of me, and that dark little monster in the pit of my stomach that feeds me negativity? Well. That’s my problem to deal with, not my friends’ or anyone else’s. I may be clinically depressed, but WHATEVER. I’m not going to some shrink, that’ll probably make my issues worse! My boyfriend calls it self-bullying, cause I’m really mean to myself all the time. It’s not just some random spurt of angst, i get really quiet and go around thinking “I’m not good enough” or “my friends would be happier if I weren’t around” or “I’m a disappointment to my family”. That’s MY problem. Not my friends’. I can mask it with a million different personalities, but the thing is, it’ll still be there. So I’m trying to make my peace with it, since it’s become a part of me. It’s not easy to just stop thinking like that, so I just go on with life keeping that little bit to myself and letting the better parts of my personality shine throughImage

(This was my 14th birthday, which was celebrated with red velvet cake, my favorite, and Bioshock 2)

Th problem with that, is since I couldn’t make sense of myself, I became the person people wanted me to be instead. Then things got confusing. Now, I’m this giant mix of a whole bunch of things I can’t sort out and I’ve got no idea who I really am. This makes me more depressed -_-” However! I have finally figured out that that the few friends who have been through it all with me really do want to help, they want me to be better, they want to know who I really am under all the random junk protecting me from the rest of the world. And so, I reach the climax of my student life. I am now in the process of figuring out exactly who it is that I am. Which is a lot more work than I thought it would be. But I am already better than I was, which is more than I could’ve ever hoped for.