I Might’ve

I might’ve loved you, perhaps,

when the fireweed was blooming in fall

and the trees became a swirling mess

of fire.

I might’ve loved you then,

when the snow fell in winters gone by,

or in hot, dusty summers.

I might’ve loved you, before

our words splattered the walls

like blood in the crime scene of

our romance, and

amidst the apologies that littered the floor

lay two broken hearts,

still beating,

still lonely,

still wanting to believe in the fairytale,

not the awful reality.

I might’ve loved you better,

had I known could be better,

myself.

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On the Road Again

Love is a fickle, contrary thing, I’ve come to find. Every now and again, I still find myself missing the idiot, even though he is long gone. However, I’ve come to accept that i can miss him, and still not want him back. He was a huge part of my life (three years is a long time when you’re not even 20 yet), so I can’t just forget, or ignore, or gloss over the fact that he was a focal point for me. I can miss him, I can feel a little nostalgic for those “good times,” and I can still move on.

These past ten months have been an utter roller coaster. I was suddenly left with no choice but to find myself, because I had no idea who I was without him. In a matter of weeks, I’d pushed myself to become more athletic, to go running and swimming daily, to eat healthier (I was actually a vegetarian for a few months, and am trying to work back to that), I made myself more organized, I got back into ballet (a long-time passion of mine), I started piecing together my future, and of course, I made some pretty awful mistakes along the way.

To say that I am better would be pushing it. I still see myself struggling with self-image, unhealthy eating habits, anxiety and depression. Some days are much easier to get through that others. What i can say is that I’ve come a long way from the overweight mess of self-harm that I was a year ago. Scars are fading, I’ve lost 30 pounds and counting, I’ve become much more open and sociable. I may not be cured, but I’m miles better than where I started.

And that’s what I find most important. Too often, kids in my generation and even younger now can’t take the pressures of society and can’t see that things get better. I want everyone to know that no matter how many times you get kicked down, the will to stand back up and move on will keep you going through whatever awful things come your way. Life is not easy. Life isn’t pretty, or nice. Bad things happen, and they can really wear on a person. However, not everything is so unbearable. There are beautiful, amazing things to be had, too, and just being able to tough it out until things are brighter can make a world of difference.

5/18/12 – 7/3/13

Well then! The last year and a bit of my life has been wasted.

Cheers to summer breakups!

I wish I’d have known that that ^^ would be our last kiss. I never thought for one second, before he left for a month, that that would be the last kiss I ever got from him, and i’m not sure I can wrap my head around that yet.

I hate this feeling, like I’m suddenly so alone. I don’t know what to do with my time anymore. I’ll probably do what I do anyway, just hole up in my room and accomplish nothing ever. I get that the chance of something in high school working out is next to nothing, and making it as long as we did, well that’s amazing. But me, being a dreamer, I just wanted it to last. He was the best thing that ever happened to me, he helped me through so much, half the time without even realizing he was.He was so sweet to me, and these last few months I’ve been horrible to him. It hadn’t been a healthy relationship in a long time.

But I miss him.

Silly me, though, thinking that I (with all my commitment issues) could make something last.

And this won’t be taken seriously because I’m only fifteen, but I loved him. I saw a future with him. I saw a life, where previously I just saw obligations. I saw so much…. And now it’s just. Blank. Now i’m back to square one: obligations and expectations.

It’s stupid to think “true love” exists, ins’t it? Wrong. it’s stupid to think that “true love” will work, despite rules and regulations and expectations.

Our relationship would’ve been spectacular if we were just a little older, if we had just a few less rules, a few less expectations.

So again, cheers to heartbreak and loneliness and pessimism.

Happy Fourth, Marley. I love you. I miss you.

 

I’m sorry.

Haii Thurr :3

The first week of last quarter seemed to trudge on more months, though that very obviously isn’t the case. I had basically flipped my sleeping schedule over break, becoming a night owl, like I’d choose to be if I could, so the sudden wake up call at seven a.m. left me sluggish and irritable all week. I even fell asleep during biology  one day. Thankfully, the teacher didn’t notice. 

By the way, if you’re interested in my creative writing, I post that on Booksie. Same username, because I use it for everything. It’s my internet identity 😀 my name is SirensCalling and I live in Narnia. That’s just how it is.  But yeah! Booksie! check it out, please 🙂

So, Aside from my chemically-impossible hair and general distaste for school, things are pretty normal. School…… I’m just fed up with it. I used to be able to come up with at least one class I genuinely liked, but not anymore.

Oh right, the hair.

So I dyed it green after I bleached out the rainbow. And it’s turning blue. How is that even possible?? I KNOW that blue turns green because there’s copper in blue dye. But how does the inverse occur? Just…. How? I mean, it’s really pretty and all, but I’m so confused.

Oh, and I’ve also been drawing quite a lot. I posted them all to the page I made for pictures, but here’s my favorites: 

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Just to get you interested in checking, haha ^^

Also, I’ll be changing my background picture soon. Not because I don’t like it, because to be perfectly honest I love it. I just feel like it scares people off and I’d really like to have more followers, and more of my posts liked and commented on. So I want to try to make my blog more…. approachable.

I’ll miss my little monster 😦

 

Happy Birthday!….. I Guess.

A little more than 24 hours from now I’ll be fifteen. I don’t really care, except that I get red velvet cake and Bioshock Infinite. Actually. Mostly I’m pissed off ’cause I made a whole bunch of plans for this weekend, but they all fell apart. So I’m attempting to find something else to do with my time. I think I’ll just get the Rapture Historian achievements. I made myself cheats on the locations of all the audio diaries in both games. I think the only other achievements I need to get are inventing 100 times in the first, and research in the second. I obviously play that game too much. 

So! My birthday weekend has so far consisted of being mauled by four dogs, watching The Newsies, and hanging out at McDonald’s for six hours just so I could see Warm Bodies with my friend (which, by the way, was an amazing movie). She got me a teddy bear 🙂 He’s big and a maroon color with a white bow around his neck. When I got it she told me I needed to name it something gentlemanly, so his name–for now, at least–is Sir Maroon Tuxedo the Tenth. Cause there’s totally nine other Sir Maroon Tuxedo’s in the world haha ^^

I have completely fallen in love with Pierce the Veil, by the way, so look them up. My favorite songs are King for a Day, Kissing in Cars, Caraphernilia, and A Match Into Water.

And I finally have enough for a new iPod! So I’ll be getting that soon, which makes me really happy 🙂 I also decided that I’m going to start putting my music on my boyfriend’s iPod, so I have a backup when mine doesn’t work. The idea is pretty selfish but I mean hey, he gets free music out of it. And whatever he doesn’t like, he doesn’t have to listen to. So…. Win/win situation really ^^

Anyway, I’m off to watch Zombieland. Bye!