Hello, My Name Is

I doubt any of you are actually wondering, but I figure it’d be nice for you guys to know who I am. But, since I have no idea how to start…. I guess I’ll just list off random things until I have an idea.

Hello, my name is Sierra.

My favorite color is black.

My favorite candy is Razzles.

I really LOVE pandas.

I love red velvet cake and tiramisu more than any other dessert.

I play way too many video games.

I’ve run through Bioshock and Bioshock 2 about 40 times each. I’m missing about ten achievements now, out of a hundred.

I drink so much caffeine on a daily basis that coffee actually makes me tired.

I come from a southern family, with southern customs and southern food (and southern sweet tea).

I am an atheist. Not because I’m against religion, but because I have such a hard time believing what religious texts say.

I love anime.

I’ve dyed my hair every color of the rainbow; it’s currently green.

No one ever really told me I was worth anything, so when I started to collapse in on myself noticeably, I felt like when they told me I was worth something it was a lie. Honestly, there’s a lot of things I think are lies. First and foremost, politician’s. The government has successfully screwed itself over (think carefully, I’m only barely a teenager and I know this). So the government is a lie. A grand majority of people are a lie, too. The person the world sees and the person we see are completely different. And, though we’d never admit it, we’re all completely expendable. Once, my friend told me that he doesn’t reveal who he really is to many people. To anyone really. So the guy I knew, the guy his friends knew, is a lie. Therefore, aren’t his friends a lie? Since they’re not friends with who he really is, does that make their friendship unreal?

I’ve spent my life very independently. I never had a problem with spending time on my own. I rather enjoyed that time. In reality, I’m very quiet. Quiet, and observant. I observe as the world falls apart, as the government falls apart, as plans, and friendships, relationships, and families fall apart. Underneath that, I am broken. A lot of relationships fell apart rather badly, and left me thinking: “What’s wrong with me? Am I not good enough?”. I then fell into what might be clinical depression, though it’s not clinical cause I won’t tell my own parent’s let alone doctors. I don’t trust doctors. Anyway, I kind of tore myself apart, until I was just a torn up mess of teen angst, tears, and fake smiles. Whoever I was before then was dust. That was when I started wearing a lot of dark colors, hoping to blend into the background. Hoping to be nobody. I figured, if I’m unnoticeable enough, I’ll never get hurt. That was when the “emo” and “goth” comments started. That whole plan of going unnoticed completely backfired. So I spent the summer after that year trying to reinvent myself. I embraced bright colors, hoping that if I was just bright enough, people would stop noticing me. Yes I  know, contradictory. Here’s the logic: I thought that people would notice the clothes, not me. I thought I could hide in those clothes. So I plastered on a fake smile every morning for the people that did care, and let everyone else think whatever they wanted. It was a very dramatic change, from all dark to a rainbow of crazy.

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Sadly, underneath all that I was tearing myself apart. I felt sick to my stomach all the time because I was so unhappy with myself. In fact, I hated myself. Still do, for the most part. After awhile it got worse. I hated everything. For no reason. I just hated absolutely everything, so I immersed myself in screamo. Not the inspirational kind either. I was listening to Carnifex and the like. The scary screamo. I had gotten myself into a really bad relationship that I couldn’t get out of, and I hated everything for it. But he was manipulative. Very. So on the outside, even when he wasn’t around, I was convincing myself that I really did love him — even convincing my friends — because I was so terrified of what might happen. I started cutting, hoping that if I was hurting myself I wouldn’t hurt anyone else. I was so tired of hurting people. I was tired of hurting. But I couldn’t stop, cause the one thing I had convinced myself was that I was worthless. i am worthless. I don’t accomplish anything! You know what I’ve done with a month of summer? Watched six seasons of Doctor Who in five days. Play Fable 3 twice. Play Bioshock twice. Play Bioshock 2 once (I hope you know I mean beginning to end of the game, not just play for fifteen minutes). Watch all of Soul Eater in two days. watch half of Black Butler in a day. Boring, isn’t it? Sure, I’ve gotten my hair cut and hung out with my boyfriend some, and even went to the local cafe to hang out with my friends a little. But that’s not the majority of my time. I’m just a lazy waste of time and money at this point. And in all of that, I lost my ability to hide my distaste for everything, so my mom is worried about me. Can’t have that, now can I? I don’t wanna be sent to some idiotic shrink. That’ll only make things worse. So I minimize contact by locking myself in my room, watching instant Netflix.

Now, I’m not gonna say I spend my time thinking “Oh, I’ll be alone forever,” or “No one cares about me, why don’t I just die?” NO. That’s pretty pathetic. Actually, I’m just extremely paranoid. My bad luck with relationships has led me to believe that they just  won’t work. But not cause I’m cursed or some shit like that, because I have no faith in myself. Or confidence. Or self esteem…. or anything really. I think all I’ve got is enough self respect to tell a guy to f*** off when he asks for sex, cause I’m not like that. I don’t want it. Just cause 90% of the other 14 year olds here are doing it, doesn’t mean I am. Which I did with that manipulative jacka**. He wanted sex, I said no. I think that’s the only thing I ever said no about indefinitely with him, cause everything else he’d lie to get from me. But hey!He’s gone, and I am BETTER OFF.

Prety much sums it up, doesn’t it? SO! He’s gone, and I with someone new (and infinitely better) and now, all that’s left is to find myself. The me who is in there somewhere, lost under unorganized piles of messy emotions. Finally beginning to remember things that had been lost to me while I was mentally gone. Like hygiene! Damn, it is nice to have that back xD And art! I was finally drawing again after he was gone. Mostly at school but whatever. I had my amazing, morbid art back! (I’m a pretty morbid person, haha) I was singing again — so I’ve got a million videos on my iPod of me deciding to learn a song in five minutes and record a cover to laugh at later. Also, my new boyfriend has taught me to smile again. I hadn’t really smiled in close to two years! It was the most amazing thing.

I’m finally being artistic again. I’m wearing those bright colors to complement me now, instead of to hide in. My favorite hair bows? They’re made out of duct tape. I really love duct tape 😀 I officially own two pillowpets (which are, by the way, the coolest pillows ever. Ones even a panda 😀 ) I even find myself liking love songs again. Those sappy, adorable ones. So THERE mom, I DON’T just listen to depressing songs! Granted,I still love my depressing songs. It’s the oddest thing, to relearn who I am. It’s like internally meeting someone completely different from yourself and adapting to it.  I have to put everything into categories too, which is annoying. I have the WORST memory, I kinda feel like I’m forgetting my life. I can’t remember what events happened with which people so I end up telling the story to someone who was with me at the event; I can’t remember what I’ve told which people, so I end up telling them the same thing a gazillion times. It’s the most annoying thing!

As a result of my issues and stuff, I resorted to making a playlist of songs that are inspirational, motivational, kick-ass, and upbeat. Honestly? It’s the best idea I’ve ever had! It got me off my ass and DOING things! The playlist goes as such:

  • Bitter–This is Freedom
  • As Lovers Go — Ron Fair Remix
  • The Sharpest Lives –My Chemical Romance
  • Horrible Kids — Set it Off
  • To Write Love on her Arms — Helio
  • Young London — Angels and Airwaves
  • Beautiful People — Marilyn Manson
  • Motions–This Love
  • Ready to Go! — Panic! at the Disco
  • Death to Your Heart! —  Blood on the Dance Floor
  • Shake It — Metro Station
  • Is It Any Wonder? — Keane
  • Chelsea Smile — Bring Me the Horizon
  • Beautiful Remains — Black Veil Brides
  • Clarissa Didn’t Explain This — The Paramedics
  • Fight — The Dirty Youth
  • Make a Move — Icon for hire
  • King for a Day — Pierce the Veil ft. Kellin Quinn
  • Not Good Enough for the Truth in Cliche — Escape the Fate
  • If I’m James Dean, You’re Audrey Hepburn — Sleeping With Sirens
  • AShley’s Song — Set it Off
  • No Heroes Allowed — Mayday Parade
  • If You Wanted a Song Written About You, All you had to Do was Ask — Mayday Parade
  • I.D.G.A.F. — Breathe Carolina

I encourage you to make your own playlist, listen to it for a few days, and see how you feel. Is it any different than before? Please post your playlist in the comments.

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